I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
