hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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