Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
