what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
