Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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