she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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