My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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