If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
