If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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