Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
