Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
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