hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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