please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
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