If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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