my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
