The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
