I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
