the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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