Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
