just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
