I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
