You're completely useless in the revolution.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
