It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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