Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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