You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
