Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
