if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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