Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
