The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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