oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
