I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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