While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Randomize
