Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
