How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
