i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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