Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
