one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I deserve this hangover.
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