mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
