My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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