I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
