girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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