if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
