The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
