get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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