U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
