Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
