I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
