I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
