Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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