good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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