Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
