Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
