Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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