just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
