I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
