Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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