i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
