theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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