the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
