Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize