From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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