I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
