How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
