Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
