I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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